Dear Ms. Brown #3

Movie theater in Big Hog

This is the third letter sent to me, and expected to pass on. I still didn’t know who sent it, or why. It came as a nice surprise though. I didn’t expect Betty Jo to write.   – As before, this piece is un-edited, the names were changed, and the State is intentionally omitted.

Dear Ms. Brown,

This is the first time I’m writing to you, so if this sounds awkward, please forgive me. Oh, yeah, this is me, Betty Jo Sprigger. And the reason I got your name and e-mail is because I happened…okay, snooped, to see a letter written to you by my former boyfriend, Bobby Lee Hendricks (I don’t know if I’m suppose to put real names in, or if I should use makeup names, like in protecting the innocent or something. But then again, BL is not innocent!).

Anyway, I’m in an awful mess. I know Bobby wrote you about what happened at the Easter parade. Well, the outcome of that episode still echoes throughout Hog Valley. You see, a week later Bobby went and bought my momma a new dress, to make amends for tossing that egg. The problem was that the dress he picked out, on K-Mart special, was too short! Momma didn’t try it on until just before the church social and wasn’t very happy, but with nothing else to wear she did her best to tug it down to a respectable like level. Turns out though, it wasn’t enough, and she’s now the talk of the town. Even Pastor Frick’s wife, Fanny, was heard to say while shaking her head, “…the queen of Floozyville.” Funny, but my dad didn’t mind. In fact, they’ve been spending a lot more time “tidying up” their bedroom.

I don’t have to tell you that momma thinks Bobby Lee’s the devil’s spawn. So, it’s not hard to guess that when Jug Sweeney (BL told you about him. The most popular guy?) asked me out, my momma was all for it. He even brought her flowers rather than Hostess Twinkies when we went out for our date.

That’s where my problem comes in. We went to the Tivoli Theater in Big Hog for a movie and all the while Jug went on about himself like he was the best thing since layer-cake. And the thing is, through the whole date it was Bobby Lee who kept fixing in my head like a lovely dream that just won’t let go. That’s why I refused to kiss Jug when he dropped me off at home. But Jug went and lied about it. He told his friends I was the worst kisser he’s ever had (before I forget, Jug told me that he put the Easter egg in Bobby’s hand on purpose, knowing he would throw it one of my family – and get himself in trouble with my momma). I reckon you can figure the rest of the story. Bobby Lee heard about our date and the kiss that never happened, and won’t have anything to do with me, won’t even listen to the truth. What hurts most? It’s that by going out with Jug, I found out just how much I care for Bobby Lee. I want him back…

Questions: Should I tell my momma about Jug and the egg? What should I do to get my reputation back, other than punching Jug in the head? What should I do to get Bobby Lee back, other than punching him in the head? Why is life sometimes like a bowl of spoiled cherries, Ms. Brown? Also, just what is a floozy?

Signed: At Wit’s End in Hog Swallow, —

What advice would you give?

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