This is the second letter. It came sometime after Easter. Once again I was asked to pass it on. I still had no idea why the letters had been sent to me first, and for some reason…I didn’t want to know (I believe I was starting to like this kid). //// As before, this piece is un-edited, the names have been changed, and the State is intentionally omitted.
Dear Ms. Brown,
It’s me again, Betty Jo’s on-and-off boyfriend. I truly hope you’re not tired of hearing from me, what with you being busier than a beaver at Dugan’s Creek come summer. I guess I just like writing to you, as I can tell you my problems and ask for advice without you looking at me funny – like Mr. Hugger, the Lickety Split manager does when I ask what the flavor of the day is.
Anyway, about being on-and-off with Betty Jo (not to mention her momma, Mrs. Sprigger), I’m not sure which it is today. My problem this time involves the Easter incident. Golly, Ms. Brown, if I was ripe for the doghouse when I last wrote…
Well, it’s sort of embarrassing, but for the Easter parade in downtown Hog Swallow, I was the Easter bunny. Yeah, oversized costume with a gigantic head and ears. Mr. Hugger said it was part of my job ‘cause I’d get to ride on the Lickety Split float (also one of our menu items), which was actually a converted hog carrier, and which, after a good wash-down at Lucky Larry’s fillin’ station on Route 20, didn’t smell half as bad as I would have thought. So there I was, throwing out candy to a throng of people coming from far away as Big Hog and Squirrel Run. Oh, and before I forget, Betty Jo was runner-up in the “Queen of Hog Swallow” pageant (my heart about burst with pride) and got to ride on the main float with the winner, Tilley Sue. Unfortunately, as it turned out, I had Jug Sweeney riding with me.
Jug (the most popular guy at Hog High) and his friends don’t like me much because I read a lot, wear glasses and my hair sticks out like trampled summer wheat. His job was to hand me candy to throw (he’s also a part-timer at Lickety). Needless to say, cause Betty Jo was runner-up, her whole family stood along the curb…and that’s when Jug handed me a fresh egg (note: bunnies can’t feel what’s being put into their hand and can’t see ‘cause of the big head!). Sure enough, I threw what I thought was “candy kisses” at Grandma Sprigger, wearing a wide-brimmed Easter hat chockfull of fake flowers (a family heirloom). Best I can tell, the egg missed her “shaky” hand and burst on a daffodil. It then ran down her hat brim, and as she turned and tipped her head, egg goop dribbled down the front of Mrs. Sprigger’s new Easter dress. Good gracious – the looks I got from Betty Jo’s family as the float inched down Main St could have melted granite! And the worst part was that all the while my bunny face kept right on smiling…
So, here’s where I need some advice: 1) Do I have to buy Mrs. Sprigger another new dress; Grandma a new hat? 2) Is Jug sweet on Betty Jo? Did he hand me the egg just so I’d get into trouble with her momma? 3) How do I get myself in so much trouble? 4) Other than the “incident,” I was a pretty good bunny. Do you think it could lead to an acting career?
Signed: Confused in Hog Swallow, —
What advice would you give?